I Love Little Coincidences. First, this one is about names. Yes, the previous post is about incident over names: another person named Randy Cassingham.
That this happened almost immediately after that makes it a bit weird, but really just a coincidence.
I have (at least) two Premium subscribers who don’t go by their legal names, but rather by “Skip”. Last week a renewal came in for one of them; I processed it (involves a few keystrokes) and went on to the next one. Wait a second… I said to myself, because when I saw the name on the very next order, I thought, Doesn’t he go by Skip too?
Putting his name in as shown on the order came up empty, so I switched the given name to Skip and he came right up.
The orders were 12 minutes apart.
I also love that I know so many of my readers that well.
Names are Important
Researchers have said that the most important word to most people is their own name. OK, maybe so. A couple of years ago I gave up on trying to find an assistant to enter True’s orders, which consist mostly of subscription upgrades and renewals.
I have noticed many readers go by middle or nicknames, yet they have credit cards with their “legal” names on them. Which is to say, they put their legal name in on their orders because that’s what it says on their credit cards. I particularly notice it because then I see their email addresses. It’s not just that James becomes Jim in the email address, but James (not a real example) becomes Skip, or Gregory becomes Adam because the reader prefers their middle name.
You don’t have to put up with a name you don’t like on your credit cards if you really don’t want to: most banks will allow you to put a reasonable substitute on your cards. For example, my dad was John Lawrence Cassingham, but his parents called him Larry; professionally he often used J.L. Cassingham. I’m pretty sure his cards said J.L. or Larry — and never John Cassingham.
I Notice Because I Changed Too
I remember getting my first Social Security card: Dad took me to the SSA office shortly after we moved to northern California when I was 10 or 11. I asked that it read Randy C. Cassingham, and that’s how it was issued.
Years later in Colorado, when I couldn’t find that card anymore, I went to get a new one — and the clerk refused to issue it with that name, even though that’s what was in their system. I walked away very unhappy with a card reading “Randall Carl Cassingham” — my “legal” name …which I’ve never been called in my life.
As far as I’m concerned that’s not my name, and I won’t answer to it. It actually offends me when someone does: it’s purposeful misnaming.
I was so angry that within days, I showed up at the county courthouse and filed the paperwork for a legal name change. It took a couple of months, but no actual hearing before a judge approved it, and I got several certified copies of the court order. I took one directly to the Social Security office and demanded they issue a new card with my name on it, not some stranger’s: Randy C Cassingham.
That’s right, my legal middle name is C (inside family joke as to why I chose that). I tore up that ugly interim card.
What’s on my birth certificate isn’t how I identify myself. It’s not what my parents ever called me. It may be “silly” but that’s how I feel.
And as I tell this story, it seems to me that it’s right and proper that my “legal” identity — the paperwork, if you will — should reflect who I honestly believe I am. So why shouldn’t anyone else’s legal identity reflect how they believe?
It’s not anyone’s business what my parents put on a form, but then never followed themselves; it’s certainly not any of my freaking business what someone else’s says either.
Credit Cards
All along, my credit cards always had on them what I asked for. There was a phase of RC Cassingham. Mostly they’ve had Randy or Randy C Cassingham, even when my legal name wasn’t.
So those of you who don’t like or identify with what’s on your card can probably get new cards issued. If you have trouble you too can go the court route: I wanted my driver’s license and passport to match too, and am glad I did it long before we started traveling full time.
Kit was born Kathryn, but similarly, her parents always called her Kit. She also went through the legal process to change her legal name, and thus her license, passport, and more, to match who she is.
The older you get, the more likely your mom and/or dad aren’t around to approve (or not). You’re an adult, you can choose. If you need permission, I give it to you. Life’s too short to have to be called a name you don’t like. Just be sure you always give everyone else that right too, otherwise known as the “Don’t Be a Jerk Clause.”
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People insist on calling me Judith, instead of my legal name of Judy. I stopped answering them.
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A good friend is Bill. Not William, Bill. William’s not his name. -rc
As someone who has been called by my middle name my entire life, I especially appreciated this blog post. And yes, any time a credit card payment is involved I end up entering my legal first name, hoping to avoid some kind of credit card rejection. (I’m not even sure if this would happen; my guess is that the transaction would go through the system just fine.)
I find my life has been full of these small name discrepancies, and the tiny calculation my brain has to do whenever they come up: is it worth the time to clarify my preferred name, or is it easier to just go with my given first name? This starts in school of course, at the start of every school year with each new teacher, and with every substitute teacher taking attendance. Then it’s doctor appointments, DMV visits, bank accounts, etc. I’ve mostly settled on only taking time to explain my preferred name to someone if there will be an ongoing relationship of some kind. So I tell my optometrist’s office, but not a telemarketing caller.
I have made it harder on myself, I’m sure, by being inconsistent. It’s hard to know which name each organization has for me in their records. I decided early on that my official signature was my preferred name, “Wayne”. But then the desire to avoid any kind of conflict or rejection has led to me usually including my first name initial when signing legal documents. My mortgage lender even insisted I sign the multitude of loan documents with my full legal first name, which took me a moment to figure out how to write since I’ve signed it so very rarely.
I understand why my parents have always called me by my middle name: my father and I share the same first name. Middle-name-calling does well at avoiding confusion on who you’re talking about. I’m proud to be named after my dad, and at this point in my life, I don’t think changing my legal name is worth it to me anyway. But you’d better believe that when my wife and I were choosing names for our children I made it a point that whatever we planned to call them by would be their legal first name.
And speaking of coincidences, what are the chances that after reading your free newsletter for what I feel like must be at least a decade, I upgraded to a premium True membership mere hours before this blog entry posted?
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You can use your preferred name in my shopping cart. And yeah, I was amused at our exchange since this was almost completed at the time. -rc
I was named by my mother and father with a right English sounding name with the formal spelling of Frederick. notice the extra “E”. But They always called me Freddy or Fred and that is what I answer to. Most of my legal paperwork reflects this except my military and SS stuff. That uses my full name Frederick Arthur that is a mouthful.
I just renewed for another year as my health in waning and I am 81 nearly 82 years old.
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82 is the new 72, Fred, so I’ll enjoy many more renewals from you. Cheers! -rc
Trans and nonbinary people often have trouble doing thus, but the same theory applies. If they don’t like the names they were given at birth, they shouldn’t have to keep them. It shouldn’t be a big deal to change them.
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I was of course thinking of them in general as I wrote, especially the last part. -rc
Brings back memories. My dad had all sorts of problems in the Navy during WWII. His legal name was W— Charles S—, Jr. But his father’s name was W— Frederick S—. “How can you be a Junior?” He started carrying a copy of his birth certificate to show the error.
My husband, on the other hand, went by Roger all his life, until he was in his late 50s. Then he lost his driver’s license. When we got his certified birth certificate — SURPRISE — his name was spelled Rodger. Even his mom didn’t remember that!
(Of course, we had to request the certificate twice, because the dog ate the first copy. You should have heard the guy laugh as I explained on the phone.)
Heck, Jr and Sr have no legal standing. Anyone who wants to can use them. I mean, we already have Hank Williams (Hiram King Williams), Hank Williams, Jr (Randall Hank Williams), and Hank Williams III (Shelton Hank Williams).
I’ve been called by my middle name since birth. My first name is the same as my father’s was — that name is not and has never been my name. I don’t mind it as a first initial. Yet, banks and doctors insist on using my first name and it’s either impossible or difficult to get them to record a preferred name (some Health Care systems have a way to record a preferred name — but I’ve never had any luck with banks). I was in a position to convince my employer to record a preferred name in the HR system and in general that’s been a good thing. I keep thinking I should go legally change my first name to my first initial.
This issue extends beyond crazy parents in the 60’s or a preferred nickname. For trans folks, it’s even more cutting to the core of their identity.
Two years ago my youngest child (who was 16 at the time) came out as transgender, and as a result the name on her birth certificate does not reflect who she is and that was really easy for me to understand.
My given name is Anthony but I’ve always gone by Tony. When someone calls me Anthony I know that they don’t really know me. It doesn’t make me mad, but I nonchalantly mention that I go by Tony. I never thought about changing my name nor do I want to now. I am who I am.
Additionally I do not have a middle name on my birth certificate, but as an adolescent I started using Christopher because that was my dad’s middle name. It seemed everyone wanted to know my middle name so I just used the first one I thought of. I once asked my mother why they didn’t give me a middle name and she just shrugged and said they couldn’t think of one. They did give all of my six siblings a middle name. LOL
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That’s pretty wild! -rc
What matters is how you feel about it.
When I was a kid, I hated my name because I was nicknamed Duck for obvious reasons.
Now I embrace my name.
Although I have well known namesake who I seriously want nothing to do with.
My maternal grandfather and uncle were named Donald, and there are plenty of other people named that, too. Don’t let it get you down!
How much trouble does having a current legal name different from your birth name cause you when it comes to getting driver’s licenses and passports?
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The reason the illustration is a certified copy of a certified copy is I ran out of them and needed more. One for the state for a new driver’s license, one to Social Security, one to the Passport agency…. But all were accepted easily, and resulted in new documents. -rc
My brother has a nickname that’s more of a job title than anything the average woman would name her kid, and he uses so consistently that he does sign contracts with it, has credit cards with it, etc. He did change his legal name, but not to the nickname he goes by.
There are people who’ve known him for decades and who have no idea what his legal name is.
I’m nonbinary, but I’d always wanted to change my name anyway; the name I was given at birth was unusual by American standards and I got used to spelling it out and repeating it three or four times upon introducing myself…and STILL having people pronounce it wrong. (My neighbor called me “Bromley” to the day she died, but to be fair, she was old enough that she told me once that her “granddaddy fought in the War Between the States”.) I also always felt closer to my mom’s family than my dad’s, and since their surname was ALSO a pain to spell/pronounce I had always planned to take my mom’s maiden name as soon as I was able and could convince the courts to let me. Then I found out my dad had named me after an ex-girlfriend and lied to my mom about how close they were….
I’m MUCH happier as an Ollie, especially since it’s sort of a family name on my mom’s side (she had an aunt Alfhild and more than a few Alfreds in the family tree, and her grandmother’s middle name was Olivia). And I’m way happier having that stronger connection to my mom’s side of the family — my grandparents died when I was pretty young, but I remember them well enough to know they would have been proud of who I am.
Kept my middle name, though. Nobody wants to see me become Ruthless.
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Love your attitude, of course. Even without your hints, you’ve been a subscriber long enough that I know your original name. “Distinctive!” I always thought. “Pain in the ass!” you remind us. I, too, have had (surname) spelling challenges from people. If they ask me to spell it, and I do, invariably they will say, “Oh, just like it sounds.” But if I reply “Just like it sounds,” they’ll come back with “Um… K? Q… Epsilon…?” so I’ve given up on that and just spell it for them. -rc
After more than one disastrous marriage, as well as a particularly traumatic childhood, I wanted to change my last name to reflect my heritage and ancestors but not my maiden name or the name I held when married. It was so easy because the courts don’t make you jump through hoops when divorcing. You just enter the name you wish to go by on the paperwork and it gets accepted. Thus, T Dannaher (check out the movie “The Quiet Man” for a memorable mention of my clan name) was reborn.
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Awesome. -rc
I chuckled at your James vs Jim example. My legal, birth certificate name (and what I go by most everywhere) is Jim. When doing legal forms and I give my name, I am often asked if my legal name is James. When I want to throw people for a loop, I’ll tell them my family calls me JB (first and middle name initials).
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“My name is Jim. But you can call me… Jim.” –Gene Wilder, as Jim the “Waco Kid” in Blazing Saddles. -rc
My mother named me after the doctor she credits with saving her life during my childbirth. The name was always too pompous for my taste, but what could I do as a kid?
My mother then proceeded to marry and divorce 3 times. This being the 1950s, they simply took me to the first day of the new school, and told them that my new name was xxxs.
Years later I got married and we wanted a passport. Nope, My currently used name did not match my birth certificate. I took that opportunity to officially change my name to what it is now, and have used that for the past 70 years (including SS, etc). 🙂
Imagine my surprise about a decade later when I went to get an eye exam for my pilot license. The new doctor came in, took one look at me, said “excuse me, wrong room” and left. He returned a minute later and asked my name, which I gave him. “Sorry,” he replied, “we have another long-time pilot with your exact name coming in this afternoon for his exam….”
“…my “legal” name …which I’ve never been called in my life.”
Really? Even when you were a kid and got into really big trouble? Usually that’s when your parents call you by every single name that’s on your birth certificate, including the suffix if you’ve got one (and then you KNOW you’re doomed). 😀
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Really. Because that name wasn’t even my name in their minds. -rc
I asked a friend why he used his real name on his email instead of what people call him. If anyone call him that, he knows that it is a scam.
I’m legally Jack Jr. But I go by Chip. “Chip off the old block”, as the saying goes. I actually embrace the difference. I wouldn’t change it legally, because I’ve too much love and respect for my father. But I’ve also realized one additional (perceived) benefit over the years, as most people I interact with don’t know my legal name, and someone wanting to steal my identity (or take some other nefarious action) might have a harder time, given that they “don’t know Jack”….
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Love it! And to be sure, I don’t suggest anyone change a name they love and respect. I just wanted to provide an example for someone saddled with paperwork that doesn’t match what they believe deep in their souls. -rc
Thanks for this, Randy (“Arcie”), another middle namer here who has experienced all of what you and others have said and more. I retain my first name in honor of my dad, but I don’t use it unless forced to.
The categories of those these days who insist on it is ridiculous, even when they are willing and able to use a preferred name. But “we have to use your full legal name because [the IRS, the banks, the credit bureaus, our company policies, security, it has to match your ID, it’s easier, …]. And then they put my name on everything with first name and middle initial (FN-MI) or first initial as middle! Ridiculous! Just happened yesterday in signing up for a “personal” vacation group.
I’ve gotten the IRS and most credit cards and points providers to give me documents or recognize me by FI-MN by consistently putting FI-MN as the first name but then get mail and email to FN-MI. KEEP CHALLENGING THE BUREAUCRACY! Or at least get the frontline folks whose job depends on how towing to “the rules” to engage in a critical-thinking exercise, so they understand and express empathy. Nice job!
Not nearly as earth shaking as the folks here, but when my youngest daughter was born and I gave the info to the folks doing the paperwork I spelled her middle name Nichole.
When they brought the papers back, the h was missing. I pointed it out and she tried to convince me that I should change it to the ‘normal’ way.
It was the early 90s and I guess she didn’t want to have to retype it all. It ended up retyped.
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So what if you were honoring a favored relative, eh? An officious violation of the “Don’t Be a Jerk Clause”! -rc
“You’re an adult, you can choose. If you need permission, I give it to you.” 😆
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For some people, that’s all they need. -rc
I legally changed my name a few years ago. Changed the spelling of my first name and completely changed my middle and last name. My only regret is not changing my first name completely, because I hate it, but I did not feel like trying to convince everyone around me to start calling me a different name.
I cannot believe how many businesses cannot figure it out. I have legal paperwork, my driver’s license and SS card have been updated (I REALLY need to get around to updating my passport, but I can’t afford to travel anyway) and have notified everyone I do business with and they still don’t get it. When I log into my credit card online it still greets me with my old name, even though my credit card and all mail/email is addressed to my new mail. Equifax/Experian/TransUnion do the same too, they know what my new name is and send me mail to the right name, but if I go online it shows my old name as primary. Complaining does absolutely nothing. It even is a nightmare getting medical care because somehow my health insurance keeps “finding” my old name in the system and spitting it out and overriding my new name in automated systems, leading to prescriptions getting lost and telehealth visits getting screwed up.
I don’t understand why this is so hard on 2024, and I feel for anyone who is trans and dealing with this. I can only imagine how frustrating it would be to constantly be faced with your deadname and have businesses shrug and go “no can fix”.
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Yep, it’s crazy. As you point out (prescriptions being lost), there are real-world problems created when they screw this up. -rc
Same here! No one in my immediate family was ever known or called by their legal first name. I got really tired of my hated first name and changed it legally when I lived in Washington. It’s much simpler now.
I’m surprised that someone would *choose* to be called Randy (“Hi, I’m Randy.” “Well, you may be but frankly you’re not my type and anyway I’ve got a headache coming on.”) but… Americans 🙄
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Tony: “Marked by an elegant or exclusive manner or quality.” (actual dictionary definition) How egotistical of you to demand that. So: see how assholish your position is? -rc
I think he was going for a play on words with the British definition of “randy”.
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Yes, I know. He uses his own standards to be derisive, rather than try to understand someone else’s point of view. There are various psychological labels for that, such as narcissist, sociopath, or lack of emotional intelligence. *shrug* -rc
My dad had a different but related problem. The name on his birth certificate was Bobby, and he went by that or Bob his whole life. He spent his life with officious people pretending that his “real” name was Robert. Even when faced with a copy of his birth cert that clearly had his name on it. Some of them just hated the fact that what they considered a “nickname” was his actual given name.
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Definitely a violation of the “Don’t Be a Jerk Clause.” -rc
In my family, as a child, I was always Robbie. But I knew I was in trouble (deservedly) when my dad boomed my name as Robert Harold! Now I take advantage of my name in that way. Given that data brokers share all our information, I know instantly if I get any form of communication from someone who addresses me as Robert, that they don’t know me. And I keep it that way, not correcting them unless I intend to interact with them further.
As someone who has changed their name, thank you for posting this. It is annoying at the very least, and in some cases rather threatening. After 12 years, I still occasionally get mail addressed to my old name, even though I have moved 4 times since then. 2054
Do you have any thoughts on people who insist on (essentially) making up nicknames rather than your legal name, e.g. if a person preferred his legal name “Randall” but the occasional blowhard called him “Randy”?
(It’s a pet peeve of mine when it happens to me, but fortunately it’s not very frequent.)
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It’s a fine line. Randolini, Randolpho, etc. (to continue your example) might be affectionate (Kit sometimes calls me “Ran” and I, not surprisingly, will call her Kitty). But if there’s any hint of teasing, it probably won’t go over well, especially if you’re not a very close friend. Best to stick to a preferred name, or at the very least respect the “I prefer Randy” request. -rc
If only we could find a way to apply the “don’t be a jerk” clause in every other area of life. I suppose that’s too much to hope for, but I’m an eternal optimist.
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Yeah, me too. -rc
My dad was a doctor in General practice so he was often the first stop for people needing forms completed by a professional for passport or licence applications. He got so tired of people with multiple middle names that my sister and I got the shortest first names he and mum could agree on and — absolutely, definitely, 100% certainly — no middle names.
PS He and his brother while at university changed the spelling of their surname to annoy their dad, my grampa. (Nothing major, just capitalised the letter P after the Mac).
I grew up using the traditional family spelling but technically it should be the alternate version. Bank and insurance co seem to be the only ones who use that.
My grandfather grew up in a Danish community in Iowa and had both a common first name and a popular last name in the community. He was not given a middle name at birth. When he was old enough to deal with banks and other financial institutions, they insisted he needed a middle name or at least an initial. He told them to use “W” because, “Work is my middle name.” He was, indeed, a very hard worker. By the time he retired in his seventies, his social security account used the full middle name of Work.
My husband’s family really complicated the situation of using a middle name by naming all their seven sons Joseph with the oldest being called Joseph or Joe and the rest using their middle names. They also named their six daughters Mary and, again, the oldest uses that name and the others use their middle names. There have been endless confusions of school records, legal issues, a few financial snafus, and such. Thank heavens none of them has ever gotten on the “No fly” list!
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Both stories are terrific! -rc
My mother and my uncle changed their names. They were orphaned at ages 3 & 6. She was Nellie Rose and he was Jesse James (not posting their last names). He changed his to James J and she changed hers to Rose Nellie. They were born in the early mid 20s so nothing legal was needed back then.