The Argument Every Man Has Been Looking For

Sometimes I think of a funnier tagline after I publish an issue. Sometimes I think of a funnier tagline before I publish it, but I don’t use it — usually because it’s just too nasty. This is one of those cases, so if you don’t like crude, you’ve been warned. Otherwise, on with the story, from the 21 July 2002 column:

Perk Up

Researchers at the State University of New York have found that women who are exposed to semen absorb hormones from the fluid which help ease depression and make them feel good. Condoms block that exposure, says study lead Gordon Gallup, but “Clearly an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease would more than offset any advantageous psychological effects.” The study says that semen provides the mood-enhancing effect “regardless of how [women] are exposed to it.” (Reuters) …Coming soon from the Coca-Cola company….

I wrote the “Coca-Cola” tagline first, but wasn’t sure it was quite right. I started brainstorming with my wife — what other drink would be better? The catch: everyone had to know instantly it was a drink. The alternative tag that popped out of my mouth that really made us both roll on the floor laughing was: “…Coming soon from the makers of Squirt….” (Don’t I just have the coolest wife?!) The problem: even though that’s funnier, it certainly wouldn’t pass muster with newspaper editors that run the column as a feature in their pages. But worse, most people wouldn’t instantly grasp that Squirt is a soft drink (it’s a grapefruit soda brand owned by the Dr Pepper company).

But that’s the lovely thing about the ‘net! I can create a page about the story that everyone can point others to. 🙂
The best letters so far on the story:

A more PC alternative could have been Cream Soda. –Bonnie, California.

Not sure about “PC”, but it’s certainly appropriate!

What I immediately thought of was: Great idea for a new ingredient in Oil of Olay! –Jim, Missouri

Then they’d have to rename it “Oil of Ohlay!“.

The name of the soft drink was right before you all the time: ‘from the makers of Sprite and Squirt: Spurt!’ –Ross, California

I forwarded this story link to some friends. Here is what I wrote: “This is a link from a weekly ezine that I get. It points out the idiocy of people in true stories. This is one that didn’t pass muster because it was too ‘nasty’ for the general public to … uh … swallow.” –Deb, Pennsylvania

7 Responses to The Argument Every Man Has Been Looking For

  1. Perry, Seffner, FL January 20, 2012 at 4:39 pm #

    You tweeted that it’s been 10 years since this story went up without comment. I think one issue is that it’s pretty hard to improve on “Squirt” and “Spurt”!

    I will ask this: Will it become an additive for 7-11’s Big Gulp?

    Good point, and good question! -rc

  2. Lynda, Arizona January 20, 2012 at 4:51 pm #

    As a baby boomer (pre-condom all the time era) I can tell you that those researchers at SUNY were smoking something funny when they came up with that crock of manure. Seriously, only men could think of something like that (and it’s not the first time either), and try to pass it off as legit science. So while it’s pure B.S. it’s also rather humorous….LOL

    I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it was true. It makes evolutionary sense. -rc

  3. Melanie from Quebec City (Canada) January 20, 2012 at 5:12 pm #

    After the nicotine patch, here comes…!!!

    Why quit? -rc

  4. Beth in DC January 20, 2012 at 5:35 pm #

    Women with irritable bowel report that “exposure” to semen in any way tends to upset their GI system. Go figure.

    Not the best activity to engage in when one is …irritable…. -rc

  5. Laura, St. Petersburg, FL January 20, 2012 at 6:15 pm #

    Coming soon from the makers of Tang — new flavor. It will be called Poon.

  6. Hank - Charlottesville, VA January 20, 2012 at 7:56 pm #

    This story may hold some water after all. Last year in Psychology Today a similar article was posted.

  7. marsha, yorktown, va January 21, 2012 at 1:01 am #

    Well, I think you and Kit hit the nail on the, er….head. {sorry!} And while I don’t know how much value there is in treating depression via this “route” {stop me, please!}, I dare say Marriage Counseling would definitely see quite an “up turn” in treatment…{okay, I’ll stop now….}

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