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Strategies Learned from Former NFLer O.J. Simpson

In early November, New York Jets player Jeremy Kerley, 29, was suspended after performance-enhancing drugs were found in his system. He denied using “PEDs” (as they’re called in the biz), and vowed in a statement, “I fully intend to investigate this matter until I am able to figure out what caused the positive test.” He had nothing but time to do that: he was suspended for four games — over a month. When Kerley returned from his suspension in mid-December, a reporter asked what his “investigation” found. “I didn’t have time to investigate it,” the wide receiver replied. “It is what it is. We’re back now.” But how did a banned drug get into his system? “I don’t know,” Kerley said. “There’s a lot of ghosts around here. Ghost put it in there. You know, the ghost of Christmas past?” A few days later, the team “released” him from his contract. (RC/USA Today) ...Though to be fair, the Jets’ manager didn’t cut him from the team, an invisible occult hand did.