Another story where you just have to see the accompanying photo — an instant classic!
(Warning: It looks a bit intense, but it’s fake: the woman is not only not dead, she’s not at all injured.)
But first the story, from True’s 23 October 2011 issue:
She’s Seeing Red
Maria Simoes of Pindobacu, Bahia, Brazil, thought her husband was having an affair with Iranildes Araujo, and allegedly paid Carlos de Jesus about US$550 to kill her. When de Jesus saw Araujo, however, he discovered she was a childhood friend, and told her about the plot. They came up with a plan to convince Simoes that Araujo was dead. “I tore my own top, I stuck the knife in my side,” she said. “He tied me up and smothered me with tomato ketchup.” They sent a picture to Simoes to show the “murder” and she paid the hitman’s fee. But the scheme unraveled when Simoes saw the couple in town. Amazingly, Simoes went to the police to report she had been conned. Now all three are facing charges, though de Jesus has skipped town. Meanwhile, Simoes is a laughing stock (“Did she really not notice that the knife was stuck in the armpit?” laughed one local), and Araujo is now so popular, she’s a shoo-in to be elected to the town council, the mayor says. Araujo says she’s considering it. (RC/London Guardian) …Especially now that she knows how to fend off assassination attempts.
And Now the Photo
It was enough to fool Simoes to pay the “hitman,” but seriously? Simoes couldn’t tell the knife was just stuck in her armpit?!
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She’s cute, too bad she is a terrible person. The Ketchup even “looks Like” ketchup, like it was being put on a “Ham”burger.
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What makes her a terrible person? She was faced with a hitman, and she took a non-lethal way out. -rc
I still think Lorena Bobbit had a better idea for dealing with such a situation. Mentioning Halloween on another topic, my wife and I went to a Halloween party one year as the Bobbits. I wore white pants with red dye all over the front, and she carried a baggie with a… well, marital aid in it, also covered with red food dye. Ketchup stinks too quickly. Funny that it took people awhile to catch on about the costumes.
I never skip reading your newsletter (I am a subscriber through Email), though at times I mark it for later reading. Tell me, How do you write those utterly funny last (punch) lines for every story? Great. Thanks. – A Silent Lurker for years.
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Thank you. The taglines are, of course, the hardest part. It’s simply a knack, a lot of experience, and sometimes pulling my hair out until something comes to me. Now and then, though, they occur to me immediately. That’s a good day! -rc
The woman in this photo needed to take a course in theatrical make-up. Obvious catsup texture.
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Yet it was good enough to accomplish the goal, wasn’t it? -rc
Re the comment from Mike from Dallas:
It amazes me to this day that people find the bobbit story “funny”. If a man had assaulted a woman like that, and used a knife to physically remove a part of her body, for WHATEVER reason, he would not only be in prison, there would be a public outcry. I’ve got a sense of humour as big as anyone’s, but as an ER doc, I’ve seen thousands of people harmed or maimed. Its never “amusing”, or worse, “justified”. Mrs. Bobbit should have been prosecuted like anyone else. If there were “marital issues”, then they should be settled in court. The act itself is not what disgusts me.. Its the media’s and public’s “you go girl!” attitude towards a violent assault.
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Mike didn’t say anything about it being “justified.” Humor is most assuredly one way humanity deals with difficult subjects — it allows us to discuss anything, and I see nothing wrong with it. Had Mike said it was justified, I can see room to argue with him, and your points are valid. But a macabre costume on a macabre holiday is certainly valid social commentary! Are you saying you don’t engage in black humor after an especially grueling shift in the E.R.? If so, you’re a rather unusual practitioner of emergency medicine! -rc
Re: the comment from BT Canada, I suspect he was talking about the fact that she was fooling around with someone else’s spouse. Certainly not as bad as either having someone killed for sleeping with your spouse, or being willing to kill a stranger (but changing your mind when you find out she’s not a stranger), but hardly admirable behavior. Based on the wife’s reaction, I don’t think they had an open marriage.
I’m half-surprised BT didn’t come back and say, “You didn’t read very carefully. Slow down and think, rather than react, and you’ll “get” all of it.” [quote from Randy]
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That’s not quoted from this page. And just because someone thinks that maybe her husband is fooling around doesn’t mean he is, that she knows who the mistress is, or that the woman knows the guy is married. So, maybe slow down and think first? -rc
My comment was about the “media’s” reaction, the country’s agreement with them, not mike specifically. I’ve got nothing against anyones’ opinion. This is about “fairness” and “equality”. If people want equality, which they obviously should, then there should be equality in Everything, Including “justice”. If a man attacks a woman, he’s portrayed in the media as a monster. If a woman attacks a man, she’s portrayed as a hero. If a gang of whites attacks a black, they’re portrayed as monsters. If a gang of blacks attack a white, the media generally ignores it, unless it “the smoking gun”. What I can’t stand is the “political correctness”of it all. Of all the sites on the web, I thought this was the one place that would “get it”, especially since there’s an entire section devoted to the obvious insanity of zero tolerance laws in schools.
And I especially figured you’d understand, randy, as you work on your own time as a volunteer emt, a noble thing to do, and must see many examples of mutilations. Lorena Bobbit mutilated someone, and was portrayed in the media as a “hero, who fought back”. Nope. She cut off a body part while someone was sleeping, a cowardly and disgusting act. Yes there’s the high school humour in it, but its still a sad commentary on the way the media portrays it, and the public accepts it.
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Thanks for clarifying. I pretty much had to assume you were speaking to Mike, since he was the only one who brought up Bobbit. I do try to enforce a limit on comments to the point of the page, which includes replies to other comments.
In my years in EMS, and law enforcement in between, I don’t recall any cases of purposeful maiming. Injuries from violent attacks, sure, but the goal wasn’t to humiliate the victim (e.g., Bobbit). -rc
I almost threw in something about, “although it’s possible that Simoes didn’t know the guy was married,” but I considered the possibility remote enough that I thought it would sound like I was trying to make excuses for Simoes. (I put “did know” and “should have known” — there are obvious signs that the person is married but she doesn’t want it to be true so she pretends not to see them — in more or less the same moral category.) I have to admit I didn’t think of the fact that Simoes might not have been involved with the husband in the first place. Neither seem like the most likely possibility, but sure, it’s possible. Neither convinces me that I was wrong about BT’s point, though.
I’m not sure what your point is in saying “That’s not quoted from this page,” unless you’re trying to hint that you think that might not be a real quote from you. (Or maybe you think that I don’t realize it’s not a quote from this page?) It appears on this page; the context is that William from Atlanta claims to not understand why you brought up ZT. In both that case and this one, I wondered if the issue was really a lack of understanding, and not simply a dislike of/disagreement with the point being made.
Here in Brazil this history still causes serious jokes. Was a must, a sick one, for the media.
There are some music, jokes and bedtime histories dedicated to the ketchup killer!
Its urban legend now!
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That was fast! -rc