Modern Romance: a Parable

She said she wanted a man who knew the things she liked.

She said she wanted a man who would remember her birthday.

She said she wanted a man who would save every photo of her.

She said she wanted a man who understood her political leanings.

She said she wanted a man who knew who every one of her friends were.

She said she wanted a man who knew her dress size, and her favorite color.

She said she wanted a man who knew what gifts she would like, even before she did.

She said she wanted a man who remembered the places she liked to go to, and what she wanted to eat.

“Sounds like what you really want is a stalker,” I said with a nervous laugh.

And then she dumped me. Said she found the perfect man who filled every one of her requirements, and more!

Well, I had to know who this guy was and understand his secret.

And I finally figured it out.

Mark Zuckerberg. He records every “Like”. He knows her birthday, and saves every photo of her — even the ones she thought she deleted, and even the ones other people post, whether they put her name on it or not. He understands what her political leanings really are, not just what she says they are. Zuckerberg knows who every one of her friends are, and how much attention they pay to her.

He knows it all. Not just about her, but about you, too. (Photo: Facebook …of course!)

He doesn’t just know her dress size, he knows her pants size, her panty size, her bra size, her ring size, and the exact color she dyes her hair. He suggests every gift she might want …and takes a cut of the purchase price when she buys it, or someone buys it for her. He knows where she goes, when, who is with her, and how much she spends there. He even knows about that mole she’s worried about.

He knows it all …and more. He even knows about every web site she goes to, and how long she spends there. Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook knows more about you than you do.

I guess I was right: she wanted a stalker …who is looking for any angle to slip a couple of dollars out of her purse every day.

And it figures: he’s married!

I really think I dodged a bullet here.

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7 Comments on “Modern Romance: a Parable

  1. Ugh. That’s painfully true. Of course, I thought it would end a bit differently.

    I want a man who is wealthy and able to buy me whatever I want. I want a man who is a world-class chef and keeps the house clean. I want a man who is tiger in the bedroom and knows exactly what I want. It is very important that these men never meet each other.

  2. Except that Facebook actually knows nothing at all about my political beliefs! When I went to check what they had on me they got it all wrong. They are too prone to stereotypes and putting people in boxes.

    Yep. But that’s even worse! (They got mine all wrong too.) -rc

  3. I hope you subscribe to Bruce Schneier’s security newsletter (free). Personal privacy no longer exists.

    I mostly read Brian Krebs, but indeed there are quite a few such publications that are eye-opening. -rc

  4. Bruce Schneier’s content (books, newsletter, blog, etc.) is very good. While a bit on the technical side at times for the population at large, the underlying issues are of note for all of us. The blog (which largely is duplicated by the newsletter and for which there is an RSS feed) is better than the newsletter IMO as you get equally technical folks discussing the issue and providing more depth and context (mostly civilly, although there is political stuff in the mix).

    Facebook, even when nudged hard in the preferences/settings (I forget where it was), seems to look at political leanings as liberal/centrist/conservative. That misses the other common axis (authoritarian/libertarian) and places folks in the wrong box (and we thought Kahn was bad- at least he had _two_ dimensional thinking). My suspicion is that it looks at where you interact. This means if you comment on a friend’s post (or perhaps a followed group) on a left/right meme, it assumes you are left/right, even if you are raising an issue with said meme’s accuracy.

  5. Funny thing, I tried to share this to my wife’s facebook page using the link on the page and it errored out — only information was there is a problem and they’re working on it. Have to wonder exactly what they’re working on and how attempting to send this affected MY profile?

    Hmmmmm. -rc

  6. I sent this to my adult daughters and my oldest (50 yrs.) just thought it was funny.

    While it was meant to be funny, it definitely goes deeper than that. -rc


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